Today is a new day. A new perspective, and a new chance to write what is really on my heart. I may write some things that seem controversial, but this is the heart of who I am, and for those who know and love me, truly love me and know me, it will come as no surprise.
Today we ended our cable subscription. Our pretty $135 package that did nothing but suck away my time and energy. I only watched the news and two other shows seriously anyway. But as I stare at the empty space of what once housed my cable box above my TV, I suddenly felt a little lonely, a little sad. Funny I should feel that way about a cable box! But I realized that over the last few months since my unemployment, that little box and the accompanying HD TV had become the illusion of a dear friend. It occupied my time. It helped babysit my kids. It kept me informed. It kept me company. It kept me wasting away in a meaningless unproductive life, feeling so sorry for myself as I watched other people having fun, having money, living life.
I have been living an illusion that this is life as it "should" be. Lots of money, lots of free time, happy kids. Happy me doing what everyone expects me to do and say.
Not only has this illusion been something I have fed myself through television, I have also fed myself this illusion through friends, and family. So many loving, well meaning people have made many kind suggestions as to what has been good for me and what I "should" be doing. I "should" be happy at home raising kids full time. I "should" be in Bible study, because that will fix my problems. I "should" not have any desire to pursue a career and I need to concentrate on being a wife and mother and put aside any desire that competes with this. I "should" be spending the bulk of my time in supporting my husband's career and cast aside my own heart for his. I "should" really enjoy volunteering at school every week and making copies "should" bring me ultimate fulfillment and joy. I "should" want to spend my time this summer keeping my kids busy and jumping in the pool all day.
In consideration of all of these "shoulds", I have lost myself. I have lost my heart. I AM NOT A "SHOULD". I am a daughter of the living God, created in HIS image, prepared for GOOD WORKS, which HE has prepared in advance for ME to do and to carry on in HIS WORK until HIS return.
I have a passion and a heart, and I am a wife and a mother, but I am also a woman with hopes and dreams that are uniquely placed in me by my Father. I confess today that in listening to my "shoulds", I have stood in disobedience to what God has created me to be. I have been waking up every day wondering what on earth I am to do in this life. But I have not been seeking first the kingdom of God and HIS righteousness. I have listened to every one but HIM.
As I stood in the shower wondering, after 30 minutes why I should step out, and my fingers began to wrinkle from too much water, I begged God for help.
Today, I think He is answering me. And the answers are not what I expected. The answers seem to be coming from a passion deep in my soul that I cannot hold back any longer. A passion to no longer live in my "should". A passion that is no longer safe and full of others' expectations. A passion that there is more to life than waking up and watching the cable box.
For those who truly believe in me and don't want to fix me, I ask for your prayers. For courage, for strength. For direction to live in the passion of what God is putting in me. There is just no more time to waste in my "shoulds" any longer. Dear God, please forgive me for wasting so much precious time, I pray You would now redeem it.
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