Who Stole My Wonder Woman Suit?

A Few of the Many Reasons I Homeschool....

2011-09-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today, like every day in Arizona, is sunny and warm. I started my day around 7:00am when my 9 year old came in and snuggled in the bed with me. I did not have to wake her to prepare her for her school day. We had a leisurely breakfast, went over our scripture memory, discussed the rivalry of Jacob and Esau in our Bible study time and then went out to the park to play around 8:00am. We have a lovely park across the street from our home and my older two daughters played viking warrior princesses while I pushed the little one in her stroller through the gardens. I did not have to rush out the door to drop my older two girls off at school. We came in and had some computer time, and then the internet went down, so it was time to change gears. We spent time working on our handwriting, having individual reading time, and read "The Secret Garden" together. We ate lunch together and the girls spent time writing and drawing in their journals about the observations in their own "Secret Garden". They enjoyed the fresh air, the soft green grass, and cutting flowers for me to put in the kitchen. The baby chased the girls in the garden and they all came in with smiling faces and rosy cheeks. We spent the afternoon at the splash pad across the street. We did all of this while most of the other children were in school. This is not a typical day, but it is an example of the joy we get out of unexpected turns and adventures in this homeschooling journey. While we do spend time on core subjects, we also spend time reading great literature, learning new languages, discovering art, playing and using our imagination. My girls ask a lot of questions and we try to take the time to research them and answer them. We go on fantastic mountain field trips (we saw two red tailed hawks released last week!). We are making new friends on this journey as well. My girls can play with children of many ages, not just in their age group. And my girls are not pressured to grow up too quickly, for they truly have not figured out that playing with stuffed animals and pretending to be princesses are just not "cool things" to do anymore. When I was 9 (my oldest daughter's age), I was very concerned with grades, who was "going" with who, and making sure I wore the right clothes so I wouldn't get picked on at school. During most of my elementary and high school years, I have very few fond memories of the institutions that were supposed to educate me. I find myself learning about history, literature, and art through my daughters' eyes. Many of these wonderful learning adventures were never covered in the schools I attended. I have no idea why. I spent most of my academic years trying to ace my tests. I had no idea that I truly did not know how to enjoy learning, for learning's sake. I pray that I may pass this gift on to my children, and that they may have a beautiful childhood.
I know the homeschooling journey is not for everyone, but for those who are considering it, I want to say that I cannot imagine anything better than the joy of learning in freedom.

I lost myself in the laundry, and other observations of my life.....

2011-06-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

It is June and we are in the middle of summer humidity and storms. Ailey Clare is playing with office paper scraps on the floor. I am listening to rain and thunder outside. And I have a few minutes to write before I pick up my oldest two girls from "twirl" camp. We have made some changes to the flow of our lives over the last few months. I am slowing down my work schedule and we are homeschooling our children in the fall. I am taking some time to invest in myself and my family and really live the journey we are called to. I am walking in active forgiveness and choosing to love the parts of myself and of my extended family that I held in judgement, because I thought they were too unlovely to deal with. I can often be a harsh, critical person, of others and myself. I maintain standards of perfection and then get frustrated when I or others do not live up to them. I measure a good day by the loads of laundry I have completed. I rarely ask myself if I have chosen to live, to love, to do the things I have been created to do, to be what God has called me to be. I live in my checklist, and I consider myself a good person if I complete the tasks assigned. I lost myself in my laundry, my housekeeping, my work, my "activities". I have been desperate to find "me time", but I really don't know what that is. In my meaningless activity I miss relationships and the development of creativity that can truly bring fulfillment in my life and breathe life into someone else. Two weeks ago I received a terrible call. I had an extended family member take his own life. It devastated everyone he was even remotely connected with. This man had so much purpose and he affected so many people, yet he did not realize it. Our individual lives may seem small in our own paradigm, but we create a ripple effect for generations. One life taken too early has left a void that will not be reconciled until Christ makes all things new. Today I am going to make a new "list". Of the things that I love doing, and begin to do them. My words and my life matter to the world. And if I try to be someone I am not created to be, then I have wasted the precious gift of life that was given to me.

The Freedom to Choose

2011-05-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

May 25th is my last day of my "traditional" full time position in medical sales. I have done much soul searching over the past few months and came to the realization that over $2200 in childcare bills to do something that I was not completely passionate about was not worth my time and energy. The last time I stopped working I did not have a choice. This time I am choosing to take some time off of full time work and it makes all of the difference. I am continuing in one company on a very part time basis, and it will be a good thing to continue in this endeavor as it reinforces my medical and leadership skills that I want to use. I am also choosing more time in the summer with my daughters, and I know this is time I will never get back. They are worth this choice. I have not allowed myself to be caught in the trap of "guilt" for the time I have worked, as it was necessary for my family's survival, nor do I trap myself in "guilt" for not working, in order to meet a standard of being a worthwhile individual. The freedom that comes in being enveloped in and living fully in the life of Christ, is the freedom to CHOOSE, not being bound by the expectation and opinions of others. We are free to live and love and allow Christ to define who we are and lead us in the path He wants us to follow. I will never say to anyone what they should or should not do as a woman, wife, mother, or what they should do in their career. I think these seasons change as frequently as the ebb and flow of the sea, and the joy comes in knowing that we are becoming more like Christ, wherever He places us in our journey with Him.

The Blessings and Curses of Generations

2010-11-28T11:32:00.000-08:00

I am planning on doing some reading and research on generational blessings and curses. It seems that so many factors in my life and in those around me are influenced by the generations before them. We act out of habits and wounds that we learned in the past. I act out of wounds and habits that I have learned in the past. I look at my precious 3 month old baby girl and it brings tears to my eyes to see how she loves, without baggage, without scars, without reservation! She is as she was created to be in the image of our beautiful Abba Father. Oh, Father, how I deeply DESIRE to love that way again! How I long to end the generations of wounds that were inflicted on me and in the generations before me so that my daughters will always love with a pure beautiful heart! We (myself included) will often act out our relationships in one of two ways. We (and I) will either repeat the same behaviors and wound those we love, or spin in the opposite direction and OVERCOMPENSATE for the mistakes and wounds that were inflicted on us. I see this happen time and time again, in my life and in so many of the people I interact with in my life journey. With my own family and my own children, I seek with all of my heart to end the generational wounds that I impart without knowing it. How many habits and the things that I do are a manifestation of SEVERAL generations on my life? And dear Jesus, I ask sincerely, how can I end these things and say finally, THIS WILL NOT CONTINUE TO THE NEXT GENERATION! Oh, the responsibility we have as parents! How great the calling as our children learn from EVERYTHING we do, right and wrong! Today, I had to stand and end some very negative things that were potentially going to influence my children and the way they see a very special person that they have grown to love. It breaks my heart to have to build a bigger fence around my precious daughters to influence my precious little ones and end the influence of a generational curse. The balance that I am continuing to pray for is this. To allow them to love and show grace in this world, yet protect them from evil choices. To see others as precious gifts, as God's beloved, but protect them from the terrible choices they make. I often lean on overprotection, and that is not always good. Dear God, please help me, as a mother to guide my precious daughters in the path you have for them, and to end the generational curses, that they may see the love and beauty You have for them. To nurture them, and not smother the life out of them. To see every thing that is allowed in their lives as an opportunity for growth, trusting, and KNOWING that you will make everything in their lives that was meant for evil and pain and turn it into beauty and goodness. Amen.

Crafty Chic!

2010-11-19T15:15:00.000-08:00

Rarely do I have the time to be creative, but this Christmas I wanted to do something different. It seems that I have so many wonderful photos over the years that I have taken and stored in my computer, but I don't take the time to do anything with them. This year I have decided to make a memory tree. I am taking my most special memories and turning them into ornaments and putting them all over the tree. This year will be a huge undertaking, because I have so many pictures, but hopefully next years memories will be easier. I am getting original prints and making black and white transparency copies. I will cut the transparencies and place them in a clear bulb with a little bit of white confetti glitter inside. It will be a clear picture that the Christmas lights will shine through when they are on the tree. If I do this every year, I will have some beautiful decorations and memories at the same time. I am excited about this project. Hope to pass these easy memory ornaments on to my kids someday. Just wanted to share this idea. It should be so much fun!

Jaquelyn

2010-11-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

I found out today that I lost a cousin. A cousin I never met. Her name was Jaquelyn Svard and she went to be with Jesus at 7:36pm last night after a long battle with ovarian cancer. She was one year younger than me and left behind two little boys and a husband. I truly wish I had known her. The adoration of her family and friends is so apparent on her facebook page. She left a legacy of love and reflected the glory of Christ. She is healed now. I am so happy for her. But I am sad for me, because I would have liked to have known her. I missed an opportunity to know and love a wonderful person while she was here on earth. I added her to my facebook, but I was too busy to call. I am sad about that. I missed a relationship that was worth having. I truly feel that I missed greatness by my busy schedule. How many people do we know and love and put on our facebook page but never take the time to call, to visit, to truly care? There are several friends that I need to contact this week. We are not promised tomorrow. I challenge all of us to take the time to contact the ones you love this week. Thank you, Jaquelyn, for reminding me of this. I know I will meet you in heaven one day!

New Life, New Blog Posts, New Title!

2010-11-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends, Family, and Other Anonymous Readers,

After years of deep introspection and growth, I have decided I need to have a place to vent, to laugh, to reflect on my humorous, crazy life! So much in my life has changed. I have changed. My family size has changed! I am busy. Super super busy! I am happy. Super super happy! And since I generally am living life with a renewed sense of humor and need a place to record my thoughts, I am renaming my blog to "Who Stole My Wonder Woman Suit?" This does reflect me, since I seem to have lost my super mom, perfect Christian, wonder working woman suit! I lost it some time ago, probably after my first child, along with my waistline, and night time sleep and pretty nails and hair!
The older I get, the less I seem to care about opinions and appearances. I don't have time to do anything but love and bless and to be honest with myself and others. I welcome you in joining me on this journey, this grace walk. This stumbling through the so-called Christian life with a big family, big dreams, smaller expectations, and constant interruptions. Thank you for your time!
Love,
Angela

A Walking Miracle

2010-06-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

It seems that lately I have been discovering dysfunctional patterns in my extended family's past that I have allowed to drain me, take the very life out of my soul. I look at others seemingly perfect family background and I wonder "why me?" Why did I have to be born to teenage parents, totally unprepared to raise a child? Why did I have to experience deep abandonment at such a young age. Why do others, who never experienced these things, struggle with similar issues that I do? And on other levels, when it came to a life of ministry, I look back and say, "why did it have to go this way?" Why couldn't we have gone into "ministry" and had a full successful life in it? What kind of loving God would have allowed these things to happen and cause so much pain in my life?
These are tough questions, questions I don't often find the answers to when walking with other believers. You see, if you have the right formula, the right amount of church attendance, and do things the right way, all will go well with your life. Right? Those of us who did not have things go right are left wondering what we did wrong, or why God did not love us enough to prevent this pain.
But I think I have been looking at it all wrong. The truth is, I am a walking miracle. I was never forgotten, or abandoned. That Christ saw me as a little child and brought me out of dysfunction, and continues to deliver me from a life of legalism into a beautiful Father daughter relationship with him is a miracle. To make something beautiful out of heartache is the miracle that happens in my life everyday. To no longer be sitting under oppression and blindly following a spiritually abusive leader is a miracle. For God to show me who I am, instead of dwelling on where I came from, is again, a miracle. I cannot change my past. But I have a bright future. Thank you God.

Grace-The most powerful force in the world

2010-06-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

God is awesome in my eyes today, not because of His judgment, but because of His grace. To extend His arms to a ruined broken humanity and offer grace is astounding. To never give up on His children requires a power and restraint that goes beyond my understanding. What kind of love is this, that is so powerful that it would die to save us, and wait for all eternity for broken, ruined souls to come home? What kind of love values a soul so much that it never gives up on the human race? Grace does not condone or excuse poor behavior. It does not join itself with evil. It does not rescue, control or fix anyone. It allows the freedom to choose between life and death, fellowship or isolation. But it waits. He waits. And he gives life and healing for those who are tired of running and just want to come home. At the foot of the cross there is only life and forgiveness. There is only unconditional love. The greatest example of grace was from Christ Himself, as he allowed himself to be crucified and restrained Himself from swift retaliation. My heart has been broken this week by someone that I love so dearly. Someone I have tried to rescue and fix. This was not God's calling for me. My role is to love, and wait, and pray and no longer try to control the situation to receive what I think I need. This is the greatest gift of love I can offer the one who has wounded me.

Women are Life Givers

2010-05-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

I am a believer in true feminism. That we, as women, have been formed and created to be something so beautiful and the depth of who we are is so vast that it is beyond comprehension. If we truly grasped all that we were created to be as women, and all that our Creator intended for us, it would be staggering. We have something to offer this broken world. We, as women, have so very much to give. When the world tries to restrain us in being less that what we are created to be, we often sense the shortcoming of our deepest desires. We spend our lives desperately trying to repair what has been broken, and find what we lost. But too often we fall short. Instead of seeking out our deepest desires, we stifle them, substitute them, and we become far less than the intention of our creation. Others may place their desires on us and we accept the lie that this is how it should be. "Women should be put in their place". I have heard this comment too many times. I have heard it from a conservative and liberal point of view. I have seen this lie brought forth in becoming less than what we are created to be, or in believing the lie that taking the life of our unborn will give us our freedom.
We, as women, are life givers. Whether in the physical act of bringing a child into the world, or creating beauty and life in our daily creativity (and that can include many areas),we are called to extend beyond ourselves and give life and blessing to another. Should we choose to hold this back, we will lose our soul.
Twenty-nine weeks ago, I was faced with this choice. To find out I was expecting my third child at thirty five, just when I had life all set and settled, was an overwhelming prospect for me. The thought of "feeding another mouth" and raising three children seemed like such an overwhelming and daunting task. But God Himself has chosen me for this specific task, this noble purpose, and I am called and privileged to be a life giver, to bring forth beauty into this world for a third time. Sure, I had the choice to put my wishes first, and no longer "inconvenience" myself. And truly, pregnancy at 35 is physically not easy for me. Everything in my schedule and world, will change once again. These are facts. Facts and fears I face every day. But beneath these fears is a desire to be a life giver. To extend my heart and beauty in the world, and to impact my world for generations. I am called to give life and love to three princesses, who will one day impact their world.
Every time we choose to give life, there will be someone placed on this earth who can give love, have a voice, hold another's hand, smell the roses, sing a song, paint a picture, run through the grass, and bring a smile to another. They, in turn, will give life to another through their own unique beauty. And who am I to take a life that will impact generations to come? I count it my greatest joy to feel my baby daughter move inside me, to see my middle girl play with her princess castles, to see my oldest tell me that "God is her hero". This is beauty beyond my wildest dreams, and breathtaking joy beyond compare. It is a glimpse of life the way it was always intended to be.
We, as women, are so much more than what we have ever hoped or imagined. Our biggest mistake as women, and as creation, is not that we desire too much and should control our desires, it is that we desire too little, and settle for far less than our created glory.

Special Memories

2010-05-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

I keep recalling one of my dearest memories over the past several months. I went to Arizona to see my precious Aunt that I have not seen in 33 years. That's right. 33 years.Through no choice of my own, my family was torn apart when I was little, and I missed a huge part of my family growing up. I'm not here to blame or to name names, that is so not needed.
I am grateful to have my Aunt back in my life. She is beautiful and caring. And one of the biggest gifts I received from her on my trip was this. She painted my fingernails. It may seem like such a small gesture, but it was HUGE to me. It touched a place in my heart that needed to be mended and nurtured. It helped me feel like a little girl again,being loved unconditionally. It was a treasure I will hold close to my heart forever.
The biggest gift that I truly recognize is time. I can get a million gifts, but if I am not worth spending time with, then the gifts are quite meaningless.
This summer I pray that I will make some special memories with my own girls. I am guarding my time with them, and I pray that they will feel loved and cared for every day in some small way in the time I give them. It's really all I have to give that truly matters.
Can't say I'm the best "stay at home mom". I'm not crafty, or busy, or organized, or creative. But I do have my time, and when I give this, I'm giving my heart.
Here's to a wonderful summer with my two precious little girls.

The Gospel is Good News

2010-05-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to figure our for some time now why the gospel is really "good news". I look at many aspects of what has been termed "Christianity" in the modern American church, and I wonder if there is any good news at all. If being "saved" means that now we can sit in a church pew and hear shame based messages about what we shouldn't be doing, and beat ourselves up over what a terrible, wretched person we are, then really, I don't care to go. Yes, that is me, a Southern Baptist by upbringing, really stating that I don't want to go to church if that is what church is about. So really, what is the "good news" that Christ is talking about? Is it really that we can now approach God with our shame and keep trying to please God by our good works? Seriously, I don't think God needs our good works. He needs NOTHING from us. The GOOD NEWS, I have finally realized is this. I WAS A SINNER. I'm in the club of murderers, liars, thieves, gossipers, adulterers, and anyone else that has ever sinned in this life. I am part of the club, always have been. And nothing I can do can change that. Does this mean I despair and wallow in the muddy pit of shame? Absolutely not. Actually this is a HUGE relief. I no longer have the pressure to keep trying, to be something I am not, to perform and perfect and please others, and to please God. The pressure's off! This is only half of the Good News though. The other half is this "While we were YET sinners, Christ DIED FOR US". It's all HIM. It's ALL GRACE. It is nothing that I have done. And when I accept this truth, He is now part of me and I am part of Him, and my very nature is changed. I can now have a relationship with the living God, apart from rules and regulations and performance. I no longer have shame. I am free, not because of what I have done, but because of JESUS CHRIST! That is good news!
I wonder, beloved believers, why then, do we keep trying to fix each other, shame each other, and give each other a bunch of rules that will make us more Christlike? Maybe it is time that we invest in simply reminding each other of who we really are, and the overwhelming, beautiful, unfathomable love that has been given to all of us. It is that simple, and that complicated.
But it is the best news I have heard all year.

Rest

2010-05-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last two days reviewing some great blogs by Steve McVey about 101 lies you hear in church every Sunday. It really gave a voice to what I have been thinking and feeling about my own walk in Christ for so long, and the internal frustrations I have felt from the incongruence in my beliefs with what modern American churches preach today. It also helped me to recognize the lies I continue to feed myself, and the striving in my spirit that results from trying to hard to be "spiritual", to have a good "Christian walk" and to try, in my own efforts, to be more like Christ.
What I have come to realize is that there is no more striving, there is no need for goals to perfection, there is no more need to be good, and play a role that gets me nothing. I already have what I have been striving for. I have Christ. He is in me, He is perfection in me, and I no longer have to try to "find God's will" or fit a mold, or bear a burden that was not intended for me. It is called a GraceWalk. After reading all of this I laid on the couch and I rested, because suddenly a huge burden was lifted off of me, and none of it really matters anymore. I have Christ and that is enough. I never realized how tired I was until I entered His rest. He really is good news. The pressure is off, and I have rest, and I am at peace. It is a place I have longed to be for quite some time. I am the one who always seems to forget these simple profound truths.

Women and Work

2010-04-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

I was on a job interview a few weeks ago for what I thought was an amazing opportunity. It turned out that was not an ideal situation for our family, so I chose not to take it. In the meantime, I called a relative of mine on my plane ride home and told them where I was and what I was doing. The first response out of his mouth was "so when are you going to be a wife and mother?" I have thought about that statement ever since, and have done further reading and scanned the web for opinions on the subject. I was and still feel offended by that statement. I promptly told my relative that I was a great wife and mother, and working in or out of the home does not change that. Truly, our reference to what a godly wife and mother should be should not be based on occupation, but on their relationship to Jesus Christ. Again, that is placing value on a person for what they do, and their role in society, rather than who they are in Christ. Truly, if all women "should" be home, then we need to make serious adjustments to all educational curriculum. Little girls should stay beside their mothers and learn housekeeping and not attend school beyond basic junior high education. There should be no need for college, for lessons, for pursuit of anything outside of homemaking. Does anyone agree with this? Why would I waste good money on a college education if I was strictly to marry, have children and keep my house clean? Should we discourage our daughters from college? The argument is often made that women should pursue an education and attend college "in case" something happens to their husbands. It is irrelevant if the woman actually has talents and dreams that God has placed in her heart to pursue. I have no problem with women choosing to be full time homemakers. It is a noble profession like any other. I have watched many women stay home and watch soap operas all day. (Since I have been unemployed, how many times have I sat around because all of the housework is done? Truly, was I called to sit in Bible study and tennis club all day? Surely that is not what all women were "created" to do!!!) Since I no longer need to make my own clothes, grind my own wheat, farm my own food, and cook completely from scratch, there must be something that I am capable of doing outside the home! It is possible to stay at home and make very bad decisions and be a poor example to your family, just as it would be to have a career and make bad decisions as well. The bottom line, I truly believe is this. If you have a family, devote your life to raising and providing for them, teaching them to love and pursue Christ with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength. Teach your children to value Christ, then their family, no matter what vocation they pursue. Teach little boys and little girls to be responsible, know how to cook, clean, care for the home, change a tire, check the oil, fold the laundry, manage the budget, stay out of debt, pay the bills. We all need to learn these things! If one spouse is better at teaching these things than the other, then they should take the time to teach it! I believe every couple should function out of their strengths in raising their family, not out of their weaknesses. Assign and delegate, love and submit to one another, out of reverence for Christ, model a life of devotion and purity to your children. And use your gifts and talents to their fullest potential and ability. I believe women have so much more to offer society than a profession or a station, or a label of what society may or may not expect them to be. Maybe it is time that women work together to value each other and serve each other so we can all serve Christ to our fullest potential.

Success Starts Today

2010-04-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

Another day, full of potential. Another day without my cable television. Another day to choose whether or not to waste it!
The only resource that is truly not renewable is TIME. Every second that slips away that I waste NOT doing what God wants me to do can never be regained. Success starts today. As Dan Brown quotes in his book "48 Days to the work you love", "Few obstacles exist beyond those in our minds if we are creative in looking for solutions. Success is not a future event-it is the progressive realization of worthwhile goals. Either you are successful today or you are not."
The plans and goals forming in my heart may take years. But success in these things start TODAY. It is not acceptable to put it off because I am raising young children or I have too many meaningless activities on my plate. If I make even a small step to be what I have been created to be, then today I succeeded. Serving and loving my family and others will overflow from who I am as God's daughter, not in losing who I was created to be and setting dreams aside. I am a mother, but I am also a wife, daughter, friend,and a gifted woman,a created daughter of God. I will never lose myself when I pursue who I really am.

No More "Shoulds"

2010-04-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day. A new perspective, and a new chance to write what is really on my heart. I may write some things that seem controversial, but this is the heart of who I am, and for those who know and love me, truly love me and know me, it will come as no surprise.
Today we ended our cable subscription. Our pretty $135 package that did nothing but suck away my time and energy. I only watched the news and two other shows seriously anyway. But as I stare at the empty space of what once housed my cable box above my TV, I suddenly felt a little lonely, a little sad. Funny I should feel that way about a cable box! But I realized that over the last few months since my unemployment, that little box and the accompanying HD TV had become the illusion of a dear friend. It occupied my time. It helped babysit my kids. It kept me informed. It kept me company. It kept me wasting away in a meaningless unproductive life, feeling so sorry for myself as I watched other people having fun, having money, living life.
I have been living an illusion that this is life as it "should" be. Lots of money, lots of free time, happy kids. Happy me doing what everyone expects me to do and say.
Not only has this illusion been something I have fed myself through television, I have also fed myself this illusion through friends, and family. So many loving, well meaning people have made many kind suggestions as to what has been good for me and what I "should" be doing. I "should" be happy at home raising kids full time. I "should" be in Bible study, because that will fix my problems. I "should" not have any desire to pursue a career and I need to concentrate on being a wife and mother and put aside any desire that competes with this. I "should" be spending the bulk of my time in supporting my husband's career and cast aside my own heart for his. I "should" really enjoy volunteering at school every week and making copies "should" bring me ultimate fulfillment and joy. I "should" want to spend my time this summer keeping my kids busy and jumping in the pool all day.
In consideration of all of these "shoulds", I have lost myself. I have lost my heart. I AM NOT A "SHOULD". I am a daughter of the living God, created in HIS image, prepared for GOOD WORKS, which HE has prepared in advance for ME to do and to carry on in HIS WORK until HIS return.
I have a passion and a heart, and I am a wife and a mother, but I am also a woman with hopes and dreams that are uniquely placed in me by my Father. I confess today that in listening to my "shoulds", I have stood in disobedience to what God has created me to be. I have been waking up every day wondering what on earth I am to do in this life. But I have not been seeking first the kingdom of God and HIS righteousness. I have listened to every one but HIM.
As I stood in the shower wondering, after 30 minutes why I should step out, and my fingers began to wrinkle from too much water, I begged God for help.
Today, I think He is answering me. And the answers are not what I expected. The answers seem to be coming from a passion deep in my soul that I cannot hold back any longer. A passion to no longer live in my "should". A passion that is no longer safe and full of others' expectations. A passion that there is more to life than waking up and watching the cable box.
For those who truly believe in me and don't want to fix me, I ask for your prayers. For courage, for strength. For direction to live in the passion of what God is putting in me. There is just no more time to waste in my "shoulds" any longer. Dear God, please forgive me for wasting so much precious time, I pray You would now redeem it.

You are my breath

2010-03-13T18:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Abba, Father, God,

You are my breath. You gave me life. You are the presence that invades my spirit and makes me whole. You were there when I took my first breath, and you will be there when I take my last. You crowned me as your daughter. You taught me the very truth of all of life, and that is to embrace you with all that I am. You made me pure when I was in filthy rags. You saw when I first began to walk and speak, when I won the spelling bee, when i broke up with my first boyfriend. You were there when I took my wedding vows and when my beautiful babies were born. You have been there through every joy and every sorrow, and you have given me all that is beautiful and have made whole all that was broken. I love you now so simply, with so much immaturity, but my love for you will be made perfect after this life just as surely as winter turns to spring. You are all that is good and lovely in me. You are the one thing that brings sanity and reason in this world. You sustain me, even when my heart is not faithful to you. How often have I robbed you of the glory due to You, the God of the Universe, when I use you as a vending machine, and take from you for my own selfish gain. Yet you love me. And I love you, most precious Jesus. I will not take your cross for granted. I pray you would teach me how to love you, with all that I am. For all of the days you choose to give me.

Beauty Within

2010-01-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

To say these last two weeks have been difficult is an understatement. I have been battling illness for two weeks and I pray I am on the other side. I finally took a trek out to the gym and took some time for "me". It was wonderful.
Being laid out on the couch has given me some time to ponder life and my existence. these are good things to reflect on and I wanted to share a few points with you.
I am learning more clearly over the last few months that the purpose of my life and every woman's life is to bring life and beauty to the world. Every talent, every gift, every personality trait that a woman has is a gift from God and is meant to bring joy, beauty and life. Those who bear children have brought the gift of life to the world in a tangible way, but essentially, we as women are all life givers. We are all beautiful. We have believed a lie that there is a standard of beauty that must be measured and that can never be attained. We believe the lies that in order to be beautiful to the opposite sex that we must reveal everything and trade our bodies for love, and lose our soul in the process. When we believe these lies, we become desperate and needy, and we lose the strength and beauty that has bestowed on us by our Creator, and our life giving spirit is vanquished. I see so many women who live life as an empty shell, believing they have nothing to offer, and the cares of this world have weighed so heavily on them that they have lost who they are. I am like that more often than I care to admit. When I believe I am nothing, my strength as a woman is gone.
But there is hope. We were not left here without a redeemer, without a rescuer, without our hero. Jesus Christ, the mighty warrior, the lover of our souls has come to rescue us in our broken state and return us to our position as warrior princesses. He fills us and makes us beautiful and captivating once more. He uncovers the lies that we are unworthy and he reveals our true life within. From this well of life comes our strength and true beauty as women. When we are found in this beautiful One, Jesus Christ, we overflow with grace and purity and captivating beauty. We realize that our role in this world is to recapture what was given to us as daughters of Eve, and we have everything we need in Christ to bring truth and hope to this world. The world is starving for this truth and this hope. While we cannot fix everyone's problems and get covered in the weight of despair, we can stand boldly as a beautiful light and radiate hope. There are few, even in Christ following women who truly believe the value of who they are. If we believed it and lived it every day, nothing would be the same.

Busy Vs. Useful

2009-12-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

It has been a long long time since I've blogged. But I think it would be good to update everyone on a few events in my life. Since I have blogged last, I have moved to a new home (with lots more room), been laid off from my job, found my birth father after 33 years, and discovered we will be having a new addition to our family this August. I have been busy!!!
There is so much to write about in the above life changes, I can't even begin. But I will start with today. I need to get this out there, because this is how I am feeling, and writing gives me so much clarity.
Truthfully, all of the life changes I have been experiencing have given me so much joy, except for the loss of my job. It was more than a job, it was my ministry. It was not used to prove something for God as before, it was a true overflow of everything I was for Him. I can't tell you the joy I received giving comfort and pouring my life out as a drink offering for Christ as I invested in women and their children. To look someone in the eye and tell them Christ was with them, always, even in their scariest moments. It was the greatest year of my life.I was useful.
Now, I am busy. I folded the laundry. I put away the dishes. I got dressed and got my daughter dressed. I sent my oldest to school and my husband to work. I had coffee. I watched a little of the news. I talked to my dad. John came home for lunch and I made him a sandwich. This afternoon I am going to the grocery store and will go take a meal to a friend who just had a baby. Tonight I have rehearsal for a Christmas program. Yes, I am busy. But there is an ache deeper than staying busy. I could certainly do this the rest of my life. I know that my significance is not in what I do, it is in who I am in Christ. But what do you do when you know, deep down, that you are not doing what you are created to be doing, but you have no idea how to get to that place again? What then?
This is my cry to my Abba, Father, whom I am learning to trust above all others. I have an ache in my heart, I ask that you fill it. With who YOU are, so I can become who I AM supposed to be. Everything else is just busy. And life is too short to waste time doing anything but what we are created to be and do.
I wish I was given a flashing neon sign as to what direction to even begin to proceed. Waiting is so difficult. I am not sure I even know HOW to wait.It is so much easier to stay busy than to wait and become useful.

Speaking Up

2009-06-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

It has been an interesting week to see what has been out there concerning Gary Lamb and Revolution church. I want to thank many of you for the notes and calls of support and prayer that I have received this week, it is greatly appreciated. Also, I continue to be available for those who continue to contact me for answers and support through personal email.

Tonight I want to repost an excerpt from a blog I posted some time ago regarding abusive church situations. In addition, my husband’s blog has some information on abusive church tendencies.

I encourage all of you who were saved or blessed by this church to remember WHO gave you salvation and opened your hearts to the truth. It was Christ ALONE. It was not the work of Gary Lamb. It was God's spirit bringing those who are searching home. You listened to God's voice and followed it. Your salvation is real, even if the one who stood before you has fallen. I pray that during this time, you will seek the Lord your God with all your heart. My pain from the experiences at Ridgestone truly brought me to a place of brokenness, and now I realize how desperately I need Christ more than any leader. I was broken and humbled that I allowed any leader to be placed on a pedestal. That was the worship of man in my heart. That, in itself, was evil.

God, please help us all, we are blind and weak, and desperately need you as Savior.

Uncovering Churches
that Abuse People

The following questions come from the book: Recovering from Churches That Abuse, by Ronald Enroth, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Zondervan, 1994.

1. Does a member’s personality generally become stronger, happier, more confident as a result of contact with the group?

In an abusive church, the use of guilt, fear, and intimidation to control members is likely to produce members who have a low self-image, who feel beaten down by legalism, who have been taught that asserting oneself is not spiritual.

One of the first disturbing characteristics to be reported by relatives and friends of members of these churches is a noticeable change in personality, usually in a negative direction.

(as members/staff members/family of staff, one may be rarely allowed to visit family, have contact with other staff members, or join small groups to make friends -leaders feel disconnected and alone)

2. Do members of the group seek to strengthen their family commitments?

Nearly all unhealthy churches attempt to minimize the commitments of their members to their family, especially parents.

Young people may be told that they now have a new “spiritual” family, complete with leaders who will “re-parent” them.

Church loyalty is seen as paramount, and family commitments are discouraged or viewed as impediments to spiritual advancement.

(particularly during the holidays, it may seem imperative that not one day of work can be missed, and schedules can be very rigid, even lunch hours must be run by the lead pastor. Pastor's wives working outside the home may be frowned upon, as it discourages full commitment from the husband who is on staff if he has to take care of the children and miss any work time)

3. Does the group encourage independent thinking and the development of discernment skills?

Control-oriented leaders attempt to dictate what members think, although the process is so spiritualized that members usually do not realize what is going on.

A pastor or leader is viewed as God’s mouth piece, and in varying degrees a member’s decision making and ability to think for oneself are swallowed up by the group.

Pressure to conform and low tolerence for questioning make it difficult to be truly discerning.

(members and staff may be criticized for not dressing like the others , speaking the right "lingo", and ideas may not be considered valid unless the lead pastor likes it and makes it his own. If the other staff wives are not fully involved and committed in the church, or miss a service, this may be seen as "disrespecting" the lead pastor)

4. Does the group allow for individual differences of belief and behaviour, particularly on issues of secondary importance?

A legalistic emphasis on keeping rules and a focus on the need to stay within prescribed boundaries is always present in unhealthy spiritual envionments.

Lifestyle rigidity in such groups increase a member’s guilt feelings and contributes to spiritual bondage. This rigidity is often coupled with an emphasis on beliefs that would not receive great attention in mainstream evangelicalism.

(cell phones/pagers are highly encouraged to be on at all times, in case the lead pastor needs a staff member at a moment's notice. New technology, such as twitter, may be used subversively as a way to control the staff and know where they are at and what they are doing at all times. While privacy and boundaries are expected to be maintained by the lead pastor, this rule usually does not apply to the staff. )

5. Does the group encourage high moral standards both among members and between members and non members?

In intense, legalistic churches and religious organizations, the official, public proclamations usually place special value on high moral standards.

In some instances, there is a double standard between those in leadershp and those in the rank and file membership.

Abusive churches tend to have incidents of sexual misconduct more often than most conventonal churches; leaders sometimes exhibit an obsessive interest in matters relating to sex.

(If the lead pastor continually talks about sex during staff meetings, interactions with the members, and in sermons, there is a high likelihood that the pastor is struggling with addiction in this area)

6. Does the group’s leadership invite dialogue, advice and evaluation from outside its immediate circle?

Authoritarian pastors are usually threatened by any outside expression of diverse opinions, whether from inside or outside the group. When outside speakers are given access to the pulpit, they are carefully selected to minimize any threat to the leadership’s agenda.

Coercive pastors are fiercely independent and do not function well in a structure of accountability.

For the sake of public relations, they may boast that they are accountable to a board of some sort, when in actuality the board is composed of “yes-men” who do not question the leader’s authority.

(leaders may be replaced when they disagree with the lead pastor, and the church leaders may not be directly involved with any day to day operation of the church, they may even consist of outside parties who cannot truly see what is going on in the inside, this is yet another way to keep complete control over the church and minimize disagreements over character, policies, or budgets. Another red flag may be when outside advice and evaluations are given, the lead pastors may openly criticize the person giving the advice, and may even resort to personal attacks to reestablish control)

7. Does the group allow for development in theological beliefs?

Another hallmark of an authoritarian church is its intolerance of any belief system different from its own.

They tend to measure and evaluate all forms of Christian spirituality according to their own carefully prescribed system, adopting an “us-versus-them” mentality.

(Leaders continue on in an us vs. them mentality. This may be exhibited by bragging about being the best church in town. Numbers (such as salvation and attendance, etc.) are exclusively used to support this argument. Derogatory remarks about other churches are made in the guise of poking fun but it is really another method of control. Any idea that does not reflect their current trend may be considered "churchy", "ineffective", or "stupid." They may go as far as to state they actually "hate" other churches and Christians.)

8. Are group members encouraged to ask hard questions of any kind?

A cardinal rule of abusive systems is “Don’t ask questions, don’t make waves.”

A healthy pastor welcomes even tough questions. In an unhealthy church disagreement with the pastor is considered to be disloyalty and is tantamount to disobeying God.

People who repeatedly question the system are labelled “rebellious”, “unteachable”, or “disharmonious to the body of Christ”.

Persistent questioners may face sanctions of some kind such as being publicly ridiculed, shunned, shamed, humiliated, or disfellowshiped.

(carefully evaluate the track record of those who left, particularly if it was an abrupt resignation-did the congregation, or other staff, or staff wives , make any personal contact with this staff member, or was there an "unwritten" code that anyone who has contact with the person leaving would face consequences?)

9. Do members appreciate truth wherever it is found even if it is outside their group?

Whether they admit it or not, abusive churches tend to view themselves as spiritually superior to other Christian groups.

This religious elitism allows little room for outside influences. There can be no compromise with external sources, who, the leadership will say, really don’t understand what is going on in the ministry anyway.

10. Is the group honest in dealing with nonmembers, especially as it tries to win them to the group?

Sometimes abusive groups illustrate a “split-level religion”. There is one level for public presentation and another for the inner circle of membership.

The former is a carefully crafted public relations effort, the latter a reality level experienced only by the “true believers”.

Recruitment tactics are usually intense, even if they are not actually deceptive or fraudulent, they can be manipulative or exploitive.

Sometimes high pressure religious groups are evasive about there true identity: “We really don’t have a name, we’re just Christians.”

A healthy Christian group should have no qualms about revealing who it is and what its intentions are.

(is the church taking extreme measures to market the service or serve the community?)

11. Does the group foster relationships and connections with the larger society that are more than self-serving?

First impressions are not always correct. Sustained contact with an unhealthy church, however, will usually reveal a pattern that is consistent with the characteristics we have identified.

Members will be requested to serve, to become involved, to sign up for a variety of activities that, upon closer inspection, appear to maintain the system and serve the needs of the leadership.

Abusive churches thrive on tactics that promote dependency.

Emphasizing obedience and submission to leaders, these churches often require a level of service that is overwhelming to members, resulting in emotional turmoil and spiritual breakdowns.

(24/7, day and night, staff members may be asked to work, to complete exhaustion, and taking a break or vacation may be viewed as very unspiritual, and may be spoken of as a lack of complete devotion to the church or to Christ.)

For more resources, you may want to check out Wendy Duncan's book, called "I can't hear God anymore, life in a Dallas cult"

There are also two other books written by Larry Crabb that I have truly enjoyed and have given me perspective as I grappled with my relationship with Christ after this abuse.

They are titled Shattered Dreams and Real Church, both by Larry Crabb.

Thank you for reading, good night.

Serenity, or Maybe Just a Sick Twisted View of Life

2009-01-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

How often have I lived my days, stressed, tired, and tied up in knots about what tragedy may befall me next? I think I have almost come to a point that I just keep thinking, what next? What horrible things await around the corner that will destroy me? So much has happened in the last 8 years that are incomprehensible. It has taken me to the brink of what I can cope with, and in between, I am left to wonder, what is next?
Today I was in a car accident. Thankfully, no one was hurt. Unfortunately, I have to deal with an uninsured motorist, and pay for something that is not my fault. How many days have I lived dealing with other people's irresponsibility, when I try to live with integrity? It does not seem to end.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Easier said than done.
I often wonder why are the people who have suffered the greatest, often the ones with the deepest joy? Why are believers in persecuted countries more joyful in their circumstances than I am in mine? Why was the Apostle Paul, who was tortured and thrown in prison, singing praises to God?
It may be that a strange, bizarre, God ordained set of circumstances takes everything that you thought really mattered away. The more you hold on, the greater your sorrow, the deeper your depression, the more overwhelming is your situation.
Then suddenly, you realize that none of it is yours in the first place. Everything that matters is not here-it is in eternity. Suddenly, nothing really matters on earth when you begin your journey home. Suddenly, it does not matter what man can do to you, because heaven is all that matters. Suddenly, pain and blame and sorrow and shame disappear when you let go. When you leave it all behind, the joy steps in. And there is hope. And laughter. And the burden is gone. And you are free.
Those that are truly free are those who let go of what they thought belonged to them.
I just keep laughing about all of this. Take it all, I just don't need it anyway.
I guess I am living in this strange twisted view that I can't control most of what comes my way, so why on earth am I going to waste time worrying about it?
Maybe this is what I was supposed to learn all along.....

There is Room at the Foot of the Manger

2008-12-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

My gift to Jesus Christ this year is the surrender of my fear.
I surrender all that I am at the foot of the manger.

Here is a small excerpt from a song I am working on, it will probably be ready for next Christmas, we are still putting the melody in place (yes, I secretly love writing music!)...

Chorus:
There is room at the foot of the manger,
For all who are weary, broken, and afraid.
There's a God who hears the cry of each child,
And wraps us in love with the gift of His grace.

Anyway, just a short little clip-but I pray that you are found at the foot of the manger this year.
Merry CHRISTmas.

Angela

The Gratitude of My Loss

2008-12-02T06:03:00.000-08:00

I have discovered such a profound treasure that is so personal to me that I hardly wish to share it, but so profound to me that I want to shout it from the rooftop. Have you ever been to a place where you lost a great amount of material things? Have you ever been to a place that you were so discouraged by your financial situation that the effort of trying to get it back consumed you?
That is where I have been for many months. I vacillate between joy and loss, between hope and despair when it comes to my material losses. In these difficult economic times, I know that many of you may feel the same way. Just trying to get ahead and put bread on the table may seem overwhelming. But I found incredible news in a small scripture in 2 Peter 1:3-4: As His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world.....
Not too long ago, I could not rejoice. I have recently moved into a rather small apartment with my family, and I have been waiting on two houses that may not sell during this tough economic time. My deepest desire has always been for a home, so when my family moved to Texas, I was consumed with "settling down" and having a nice big "home" for my family. It did not matter to me that I still had another house in Georgia!!! Rather than listening to God's heart, I chose to work many long hours to "keep" what I thought was so precious to me. Our family began to feel like hamsters in a wheel, trying to maintain a life that we really did not need. Then we had the incredible opportunity to move back to our home town, to a city that I love so deeply and have had such a burden to reach for Christ-back in the days when I walked closely with the Father and desired Him above a home. This beautiful city has now become my home again, and I am waiting to see what He is preparing for us here.
I have mourned my poor decisions over and over. I have looked in many places to find a way to "get a home" again. Feeling cramped and sometimes claustrophobic, I feel so sorry for myself-A LOT !
I am learning today, that even my poor decisions and my misplaced affections can still be redeemed. It takes my breath away to learn that what has been given to me is a way of escape from all the things that do not matter and an entry into the most beautiful period of my life-a place where I can become a "partaker of His divine nature". Through losing everything, I have indeed gained everything in Christ. There is no material blessing, and nothing that I can be given that can replace the joy of having the gift of my faith. He is my joy and my hope. I choose His promises above a home. In Him I have "all things that pertain to life and godliness". In Him I will wake up each day to the miracle of being alive and the freedom from the bondage that held me so tight, and I will rejoice in His faithfulness, because He chose to clean up the mess of my life and allow me to know Him and embrace Him as my everything. I will love my Jesus, serve my family, and step into the hope of my future.
In Him, all things are made new. In Him, all things are redeemed.
I pray that today, whether in plenty, or in want, you can rejoice because of who you are, and all that you have been given. And may your cup of thanksgiving overflow to bless the people who are so thirsty for this remarkable truth.

Your grateful servant,
Angela

PS-Please feel free to post your stories of gratitude here. I would love to hear them!

A Letter to the Predatory Pastor

2008-10-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

To the Predatory Pastor who once tried to destroy Me and My Family,

I cannot begin to write about a journey of God's grace and forgiveness to me without letting go of my choke-hold on you. I have written about my journey and my anger for such a long time, and it is time to go in a new direction. Yes, I am still angry at all that happened. Yes, I know you still track this blog. Yes, this is for you. It was just over two years ago that our family joined in ministry with you. We were only there for a few months when we fled from your church and your town. I chose to never return to your church after I found out the sick sexual comments that you were making about me, about members in your congregation, about other pastor's wives, and about your own wife. When I realized that I was serving under a predator rather than a pastor, I felt a black evil hand reach in and try to rip out my soul. My faith in the church and in a loving God began to die. Your actions and words almost destroyed my family. Almost.
It is by the amazing work of God and people like Wendy, Doug, Mark and other sisters and brothers in Christ that we are healing.
You ARE responsible for the actions that have deeply wounded our family. But now, judgment is no longer in my hands, it is in God's. I am letting go of needing revenge. I do not know what will happen to you someday, but I no longer NEED retaliation.
The black hole that opened up when you raped my soul is now in the process of healing. Forgiveness is a process, and I am stepping forward to forgive you. I know that there is an evil far bigger than you that was the cause of this, and you are wrapped up in it. I don't know at what point you became part of this evil, but with all of my heart, I wish for freedom for you and your family. Before it is too late for you. I don't know if you can change. That is not in my power.
This letter may never be read by you. It was really for me to continue to let go of the power you had in my life for two years.
I wish for you -freedom. You are trapped in pride and evil and power. You have no idea how deep of a pit you are in.
I am sorry for you. I hope you can get help for your addictions. I will probably never know what happened to you, because I am walking away from you.
I am free, and all things are made new.

Angela

Beloved

2008-09-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

To the woman who is loved by God,

If you are a woman who is reading this, and you are searching for the place where you can find freedom, I pray that you would turn to the One who loves you so deeply and passionately, that He chose to live in our flesh and to know us. He chose the path of pain, rejection, and torture to heal us. And every tear that you cried, HE HAS NOT MISSED. I don't care if you're not in church right now, or not doing the "Christian" things you used to do. I don't care if you haven't read your Bible in a year. I just want you to know something-something I am starting to grasp, and it has changed everything.
You are not a disappointment to God. Let me say it again. You are not a disappointment to God.
There is nothing you can do that can ever make Him stop loving you. But He waits for you-just to say that you need Him. Not that you will do better next time, or that you won't fail again. Just begin to tell Him that you are lost without Him. That you don't know how to trust Him, but today, you will let Him know you can't take another step without Him.

Even if you don't see it now, you are, and will always be, His beloved

Church of the Living Dead

2008-09-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

I stepped back into church recently. I saw a lot of good healthy things for the first time in a long time. But I also observed many sad, lonely people. There are so many who go to church, dressed up in their perfect clothes, hair and makeup, but have the saddest look in their eyes. Some are lost in their pain. Pain from past church experiences, or pain that they have never learned to share in community. Others are just empty and filled with a busy, meaningless life and are stuck, like hamsters in a wheel, in a never ending cycle of keeping up with activities that have no purpose. These are the walking dead in our church. Present day churches are full of zombies. People who live without true life and purpose. Church is something to do, and knowing Christ is rarely experienced. Even struggles are often shared at church, but only superficially, and there is always a positive spin placed on every struggle-"God has always seen us through". There is so little freedom to be real, that slowly we become just plastic mannequins in a lovely department store where everything is displayed and designed to meet our needs.
The problem is that most of these people ARE "Christians". They believe in Christ and salvation and all of these good things. But where is reality? Where is the freedom to experience doubt, pain, and true joy? How on earth can life really be fixed by 3 points and a prayer?
My greatest struggle in finding community is being able to share what I went through. Most people cannot handle it. Most do not want to see that there are believers who do have doubts and fears and disappointments with God. Most do not want to face the very real pain they experienced at another church-not too far from this one. They just hop to another church, hoping things will get better.
Oh that each one of us would embrace what is real-that we would wake up from the dead and stop sleeping. That we would know our first love fully, and recognize that we are fully loved.
I have stopped trying to play games. I need Christ. I need Him like I need my breath. And I am learning that trying to live a good, pretty Christian life is a joke. I am desperate for His life in me. I cannot do one thing on my own of any value without Him.
I have stopped trying to play church. I need people. I need community. I need the embrace of people who have died and are letting Christ love through them. I need people who are not too busy to sit and love each other, through all of our faults and sins.
Maybe I am beginning to find it- even among the living dead, there are signs of life, glimpses of spring in my long winter.

To Remember is to Have a New Beginning.

2008-09-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

I am back to blogging. I spent six weeks alone in Dallas, Texas trying to keep up a perfect house that was on the market, manage a full time job, and two children. The schedule was exhausting. Life really came down to completing tasks, a few hours at a time. It was a lonely time. It was a time of waiting.
Then an answer came-and it was time to move. Three weeks later, we were packed and moving back to our hometown of Alabama. That's right-we are back home in Alabama. Lord willing, here to stay.
We have been in the midst of chaos and boxes and settling into life in the south. I have wondered at times why we were allowed to move back here. I loved Texas and I miss it. But I do love the people and the places here. It is so strange to be back in so many familiar places and to see so many old friends that we have missed and loved. Now we can see them all the time. That makes me happy.
We did one big thing over the past weekend. We went back to church. A new church, with some of the former staff that we knew before we moved. Something happened there that I did not expect. Most of the time I will enter a church and experience painful "triggers". A certain song or sermon may bring back negative emotions from our past ministry experience. There have been many times these experiences have been unbearable, and I would just want to run from the building. On Sunday, for the first time, I actually experienced a "positive" trigger. A song was played that helped me remember a time when I was in love with God, and truly lived and walked in faith. A time of joy and hope. A time when nothing was impossible with God.
I just let the tears flow. After years of feeling nothing but negative emotions or just numbness, I felt a beautiful emotion of remembrance of a place that I long for.
I am not here to say that an emotional felt experience is always evidence of God. In fact, I am striving to be very careful with how I define my experiences with God.
The sermon on Sunday came from Revelation, and it was about how the Ephesians had lost their first love-Jesus Christ. (8 years ago we attended our first church in Birmingham-and they were teaching through Revelation as well).
I feel that our family's return has been in part to remember, once more, our first love. To come back to where we started. To listen and wait, and continue to walk through our pain.
I am amazed at how this new beginning is starting with a time of remembrance.

For Those Who Wait

2008-07-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

This may be my last post for quite awhile, because I am dealing with some rather difficult circumstances, and my time, energy, and emotions are quite limited. I have reached my limit in what I can do in life right now, and I must put writing aside until I have more time.
During this phase of my life, I have more questions than answers. I confess that I am a control freak that likes to have all of my ducks in a row. I am now in a place that I don't know what each day will bring, and while some days are great, others are extremely difficult. When I have all my ducks in a row, life is good. I am in control. I am at peace. And God is good and faithful. I can praise Him. I can have joy. I can testify about His love and faithfulness. But now, when life is not so good, I cannot seem to praise Him. When I am not in control, I can hardly stand it. I don't have peace, and my faith is weak.
I am at a point where all of my attempts to control my life have ended in failure. All of my plans and dreams are on pause. And I have no idea what will happen next. It seems I am there far too often. I am quite tired of it.
What do you do when you have no where left to go and nothing left to do? Maybe it is time that I sit and wait. Wait on the Lord. Not control my situation. Not think about creative ways to get out of it. Just wait. The book of Isaiah says that those who WAIT on the Lord SHALL renew their strength, they SHALL mount up with wings as eagles, they SHALL walk and not faint. Today I would settle for just a slow crawl.
Today, I am going to wait. I guess I am realizing that I can never soar, run, walk, or crawl unless I wait. These promises are not for those that "get their life in order", get a "support group", or "find a good counselor". They are only promised to those that WAIT upon the LORD.
I am not sure what this will look like. My view of life consists of the next 3 hours.
The sun will set tonight, and I will wait. The sun will rise tomorrow, and I will wait.
Until I receive what the next step will be, I will wait. And I have to trust that He will fulfill His promises. Despair is not an alternative. My husband and my children need me. And my heart is beating, and my lungs are still inflating, and my brain is still functioning at some level, so I must have a purpose in this life. Until I hear from God, or receive His presence, or gain His perspective, or whatever He wants of me, I will wait.
I hope to write again soon when the storm passes.
Until then, thank you for reading.
Angela

Thoughts on My Evening

2008-05-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight I spent the evening with John and my oldest daughter, Kellyn. We saw the new Narnia film, Prince Caspian. I truly enjoyed the time with my family and the lessons I drew from the film.
There is a point in the story where King Peter forgets about Aslan and chooses to fight the battle on his own. Because of this choice, most of the Narnian soldiers were destroyed. I will not spoil the film for everyone by adding anything else, but I wanted to share a couple of thoughts.
How often do I stumble in battle and forget that I still have a King? It seems that lately I have felt far from the Lord, and I often enter battle without armor or confidence. Then I complain that I am alone, when in reality, I am not. Instead of crying out to God, I just want my own way and my own plan. What an unfulfilling life these choices can lead to. There are still parts of me that have yet to grow, and paths that have yet to be taken. I just don't want to reach a point that I can no longer recognize God's presence, love, and sovereignty in my life.
I do not want to forget that my life has purpose, and it is beyond today. I never want to forget that beyond today lies eternity. I never want to forget that our King is returning, and His return will be victorious. I pray I may know and recognize my King when He returns. I pray I may live like He is returning today. And I pray my battles will begin on my knees.

The Harvest of The Fallen

2008-04-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

The further I go on this journey from spiritual abuse, the deeper I am entering into a new realm of pain and darkness. I know that when Christ has spoken of the "harvest" of souls, He is speaking of unbelievers. The church should continue to be passionate about extending arms of ministry to unbelievers, and we as followers of Christ should have this as our highest priority. Unfortunately, this hasn't always been my priority. In fact, I have been hesitant to declare the love of Christ because I would never want anyone to experience what I have experienced AT CHURCH. Of course I am aware of this faulty thinking. I continue to pray for my heart and passion for church to be reignited. I am also beginning to see a new harvest of people-Christians, who have been chewed up and spit out of seeker sensitive churches and are looking for a place to unwrap their confusion and discern who Christ really is apart from their spiritually abusive experiences. My question to the seeker sensitive church is-who will take care of the ex-ministers, ex-members and the families that have been abused by your drive for power and control? How will "the lost" be reached if there is nothing left but burned out pastors that must be cared for before they can ever return to the harvest field?
You see, my friends, there is a new harvest of people that are wounded from ministry. There are those of us that may never want to walk into church again, but desperately want to connect with God again-in grace and truth. There are people out there that are still in love with Christ but are wounded and hurting and do not know where to turn. There are people out there with scars and wounds that take years to heal. Who will walk with them?
The new American seeker sensitive church has never been in such peril. I just wonder-for every "lost" person that has been saved, how many have left your building, never to trust in God's love again?
Every time I hear another story of someone who has been thrown out like garbage from their "Christian" community, I relive my frustration all over again. I ask again, who will bind up their wounds?
May God open your eyes to the truth of the damage you have done-the moment that "numbers" become the driving force of a church and programs become bigger than hurting people, you should no longer be called a church, but a brothel, for you have chosen to use people for your secondary gain, and have abandoned the love and grace of your Bridegroom.

A New Journey

2008-04-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

I have been increasingly impressed by the unique perspective of a book I have been reading by C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce. Like many of his great literary works, C.S. Lewis uses a fictional tale to teach fantastic spiritual truths. If I could begin to summarize such a magnificent work in this book, it would be that we are all on a journey-to Heaven or Hell. We all make the decision to take either path, and where we end up is completely our responsibility. I am learning that when a person chooses the journey to Christ and Heaven, we turn from ourselves to His light and perfect love. Each step deepens a new desire that is found only in Him, and our lesser, more instinctual desires become meaningless. Every step toward Christ and being made in His likeness is one more step to our journey home. Essentially, the beginning of Heaven is here on Earth, today. Likewise, a journey to Hell begins with choosing ourselves over God. Each step is a journey into self and a fulfillment of our basic desires, which leave us longing for more of cravings that never satisfy. Our addictions begin to have a stronger hold on us, and just when we think we are in control, we have lost ourselves to our choices and cravings and leave everything that is good or loving. The beginning of our hell is also on Earth. It is just a matter of perspective, and choice.
Today I decided to pack my bags. And throw some baggage away. I am going to begin my journey to heaven. Not in physical death, but in spiritual life. I don't want to live in the illusion that my choices and cravings are going to satisfy my deepest longing for HOME. I am learning that I can begin this journey right where I am. My goal is not perfection, it is relationship with God. What a tremendous weight off of my shoulders!
I no longer want to live under the weight of what others are choosing on their journey. I cannot choose for them. I just want to keep looking for Christ, no matter what may come.
Will you travel with me? Will you choose to follow Christ?

Innocence and Truth

2008-04-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight I heard something all too familiar-a lovely siren broke the peaceful routine of our girl's evening bath and story time. The tornado warnings are so frequent here, it is easy to ignore them, but in a home full of large glass windows, it is better to be safe than sorry. I placed my two little ones who still had wet hair on their necks into the downstairs bathroom. I tucked them in with pillows and blankets and put on the portable TV. I attempted to keep them occupied for about an hour. Thankfully the storm passed without much trouble. We thanked God tonight for safety and prayed for those who have been affected by the giant hail that covered the area. My oldest daughter commented about how God kept us safe, and she wasn't afraid because "God always takes care of us".
I am so thankful for her innocence and pure faith. I am thankful that she sees God as the Almighty Protector. I hope to continue to encourage her developing faith in a God who is not only Protector, but is also Sovereign. I pray that as time goes by that I may teach my daughters that we are held and loved even when the earth shakes, the storms swell, and the ground crumbles underneath us.
I pray that I may teach them the truth-that we are blessed even when our lives appear shattered, for we are never alone.
I pray that their faith would never falter in the Sovereign Father, who allows pain in our lives, just as He allowed it in His Son.
I pray that they would never look to humanity for strength, but find hope in what comes after this life.
These are lessons that I am learning now, and that are close to my heart, and I pray I may pass on as my legacy to my innocent little girls.
I am grateful for the difficult lessons. I am also grateful for simple trust and innocent faith, and the opportunity to love my little princesses, tucked away in my bathroom, or slumbering in their soft little beds.

My Pain, My Greatest Gift

2008-03-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

I attended my monthly spiritual abuse support group meeting tonight. As always, Doug and Wendy have been supportive and faithful to allow us to heal and share and not be judgmental or preachy. I can say that I feel most churches are just crap and they can handle it. I feel safe in this group, and that is a huge thing for me.
If you want more info on this group, you may visit John's blog at www.johnventry.blogspot.com.

Tonight I was discussing how jealous I feel at times for those who have never had their faith challenged. I am often quite envious of people who have never been burned by church or betrayed by those in spiritual leadership. It seems they still have a simple, pure faith, and they have never had to question if God was still there. The blessings seem to flow abundantly, just at the right moment.
It always makes me wonder why my family went through so much these past two years. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I still question WHY? I may never have the answer.
I no longer want to be a "victim" of spiritual abuse. I am ready to take responsibility for where I am on this journey with the Lord. I no longer want to allow one foolish person to distort my view of Almighty God. I am willing to see things from a new perspective.
Doug gave me a new thought to dwell on this evening-that maybe my pain in my spiritual journey is actually my greatest gift, my greatest blessing. You see, there are many days that I wish I had NEVER considered serving in ministry with my husband. I still regret those decisions. I still HATE what it cost me and my family. But I know that without these painful experiences, I would never have been in the place that I am now.
I am learning to be an open and real person, more every day. I am learning to never tolerate false teaching in the church. I am learning that the greatest evidence of Christ is the love that is shown through His people. I have seen so much love and support from other believers. It truly strengthened me when I was very weak. I am learning that it is okay to question, and okay to struggle with doubt, even as a believer. I am learning that legalism comes in many forms, and I am recognizing those tendencies in myself. I am learning to accept and love those who are struggling with their own spiritual questions, and not be threatened by the tough questions that I cannot answer. I am learning that Christ loves me even when I miss Easter service. I am learning the true meaning of amazing grace. I am learning about the amazing man that God has given me in a husband. I am learning to love my kids, even when they are not acting perfect. I am learning that I don't have to save the world. I am learning that ministry comes in 24 hour time periods. Every day is an opportunity to love the people that are placed in my life. I don't have to be a "minister" to be the hands and feet of Christ. I am learning that I am loved by God, even when I am not "doing big things" for Him. I am learning to love the family that God has given me, even when they are dysfunctional and sometimes unsupportive. I am learning that I have addictions and problems, just like everyone else, and I am not going to hide them from myself or others.
I would never have learned these things without my trials, so maybe Doug is right.
Maybe my pain is a gift after all.....

The Re-Seeker and the Seeker Sensitive Church

2008-02-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

I've heard of numerous people that have left the contemporary, "seeker sensitive" church in search for something more substantial. I was drawn to "seeker" sensitive churches for years. I really thought that was the best way to "reach" lost people. We needed to be relevant, we needed to be "cool". We needed to be like them in order to reach them.
I almost turned my back on my faith in Christ because of a seeker sensitive church. I placed my faith in ministry and the church to such a degree that I began to lose sight of my relationship with Christ. The pressure to continue to conform to culture and to be the best, most relevant church is enormous, and at times, unbearable. The pressure to be something bigger than you are becomes a sickening cycle of performance driven approval. The drive for numbers in the church and praise and approval begin to fill a void that only our Savior can fill. Any ministry that is driven by less than complete devotion to Christ may quickly become just another addiction. It is a new drug that has awesome highs and sometimes devastating lows. And eventually the "ministry" can become the very thing that eats away your soul.
I am now in a place that I am healing from the wounds of seeker sensitive ministry and I am redefining my view of my faith in God and what the church really means to me. I realize that everything I had wanted so much in ministry was nothing that I really needed.
For the church that is truly looking to minister to wounded people, here are a few things to keep in mind.
1. We don't need to hear one more message about how to make our lives better, how to be more blessed. We don't want to hear one more message that has only one verse of scripture that is distorted to fit a viewpoint you have. We want to hear GOD's words, not your big voice. As one person I know puts it "Your voice has gotten so loud that I can't hear God anymore".
2. We don't want to hear one more message on "Great Sex", or "How to get out of debt", or how to curb our behaviors or addictions. I really don't want to hear your downloaded sermon that has been preached five times before. With all of my heart, I can no longer believe that the "answers" lie in some formula you can give me. The answer is in relationship with God himself. When I am walking in relationship with Him, I no longer need my addictions, and my relationships slowly begin to heal.
3. We don't need any more "programs" to make our lives better. I want to be a part of a church that is no longer concerned about the perfect service and perfect building and perfect program. We need a place where we are consistently shown by example that the world is not about us, and meeting the needs of our community is far better than attending a great rock concert-oh, I mean church service.
4. We want true community, not insincere, ineffective small groups. We could care less about the weekly dinner club that has taken over true community and authentic brokenness. I will never again be part of a small group that functions as a high school hangout. I have been part of the best small groups and the worst. I won't waste my time on the worst. Get real. Get sincere.
5. We could really care less about your big numbers, your coffee shops, your cool signs and advertisements, or your clothing line. Stop wasting your money. When I walk through the door, I want to know someone cares about me. Period.
6. If we could ask for a refund of the tithes and offerings we have given that were put to useless activities, we probably would. But since it is God's money, YOU are the one who will be accountable for it, we just gave out of trusting obedience. I will be extremely careful where my offerings go from now on. What a sad day it is when you can no longer trust some churches with the tithe.
7. The final, most important thing the "Re-seeker" is looking for in a church is integrity and brokenness in the church leadership. Not perfection. For God's sake, do not stand before your congregation and preach the truth if you do not live it. Get real, get help if you must, but lead from brokenness. Take the responsibility of your position with reverence. You are leading souls to Christ. And believe it or not, some people look up to you for Godly wisdom, not cool pithy statements.

You may take these thoughts, or leave them, but it just feels so awesome for me to get this out there. I have had so much "fast-food" Christianity I am about ready to puke. I am ready for something more, something real. I won't settle for less.

One Foot in Front of the Other

2008-02-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

My journey with Christ is beginning to go deeper, one step at a time. Something happened today that was just terrible. We had a faucet break off in our upstairs bathroom and water was spewing out like a fire hydrant. Water has now leaked through the floor and penetrated our kitchen ceiling and was coming through the light fixtures. Needless to say, we have a lot of work in front of us.
I did a good job of freaking out last night. I am always good at that.
Most of all, I was disappointed that just as we are getting on top of things, another crazy set back occurs. Truly, this was not my idea of getting my kitchen remodeled.
I have learned several things through this process.
The first lesson is this-it can ALWAYS be worse. Today I am thinking about a particular family that has recently been given the news that their child is very ill. They are holding their baby in the hospital today and carrying a very heavy burden.
The second lesson I have learned is this-I have always taught my daughter to stop and "face the problem" instead of freaking out. Freaking out solves nothing. I am thankful to have a husband that did an amazing job of systematically taking care of this problem instead of having an emotional breakdown.
The final lesson I have learned is that my life is a journey. I have chosen a narrow path where I only have room to put one foot in front of the other. Each day has so many problems of its own. I cannot see what is down the road, and I cannot live in fear of the future. As I put one foot in front of the other, I am one step closer to eternity with Christ. It makes the hardships of this life seem so very small.
Today is a new day. I no longer have to freak out. I can live among my large fans and dehumidifiers humming in my kitchen and be thankful for today. I can enjoy relationship with God and my family and live in joy in the midst of chaos.
Here's to another step....

It is still NOT about ME

2008-02-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

Once in a while, I can truly say that I hear something from God. Not audibly, but in my spirit. And when He speaks, it never ceases to overwhelm and amaze me.
I had my grandparents in town this week. It was a wonderful time of fellowship. They are very special to me for many reasons. The biggest reason is the unconditional love I receive from them. I am so grateful to have their support in my life. It keeps me grounded in the roots of deep family love. I also had the opportunity to hear about the rest of my family-my sisters, mom and dad, etc. These updates will often bring up mixed emotions, and I am left feeling sad about my disconnected relationships with most of them, and the great chasm that divides me from some of them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am sure all of us have similar relationship problems at times.
I have spent time grieving over these losses this week and reflecting on missed opportunities to show love to my family.
I have also spent too much time over the past several years feeling sorry for myself for not having a closeness with them. I am realizing that grief is good, but dwelling in self pity is unhealthy.
Today I feel my Gentle Teacher saying this- I was placed in my family. NOT so they could meet my needs, but so I could serve and love THEM. It is NOT about ME. It is NOT about my losses. It is not about MY pain and disconnection. It is all about the privilege of knowing the deepest love of Christ and expressing that love, unconditionally to each member of my precious family. It is knowing His love so deeply, that I am able to express love to them without reciprocation. I was placed in a dysfunctional family (aren't they all?) to reveal more of Christ. Whether they desire it or not, my family needs to drink of His love as much as I do.
I confess even now that I am absolutely unable to do this. I have too much baggage, and way too many resentments. But I pray that the seed of truth that was given to me today would begin to grow until I am beautiful for Him.

I Will Not Rest

2008-01-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Today, I am sick at home with the flu. I am tired of watching television, so I have been researching. I have discovered some great information on abusive churches that may be helpful to someone who is questioning their involvement with my former congregation. I am not angry, resentful, or bitter about this. I do still struggle with this at times, but my desire to proclaim the truth so others are free is more important than anything. Please, just read this. Maybe you were led here to read this for a reason.

Uncovering Churches
that Abuse People

The following questions come from the book: Recovering from Churches That Abuse, by Ronald Enroth, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Zondervon, 1994.